How do I protect my peace while also staying in contact with friends and family?

Colleen, 

I need better ways to communicate instead of just through text and social media. When I don’t respond right away it makes me feel guilty even though I know I shouldn’t. How can I be more specific about how I communicate with friends and family without feeling burnt out or guilty?

-Someone whose phone is glued to their face 

Hello glued to your phone- 

As soon as I read this submission I immediately put down my phone and felt embarrassed. You're not alone. It’s hard to believe there was a time when I didn’t have a cell phone. It’s not just a phone to make calls and texts. The evolution of smartphones is wild. We use it for directions, counting our steps, replying to an email, video chatting our friends, tracking a package, THERAPY, the list goes on. Can you think of a time where you didn’t use your phone? For even one day? For most, the answer is no. The only time I don’t use my phone is when I actively make a choice not to. 

Cell phones have become essential in today’s society. Some people solely work off of their phones. When it comes to how/when/why you communicate with your friends and family; your phone doesn’t have to be the only option. Have you received a letter in the mail lately? It’s so exciting and fun! Seriously, I don’t get many things besides bills and amazon packages, so to receive a letter from a friend or family member really puts a smile on my face. Take it back to the basics. Write a letter, schedule monthly coffees to connect, talk on the phone instead of texting and most importantly communicate your boundaries. 

The guilt you feel is surrounded by the immediate response and urgency that comes with phones. Everything is so instant. You get an alert and the first thing you do is read it. The truth is you don’t owe anyone your time and can communicate in ways that work best for you. I’d ask yourself where this guilt comes from. Is it imposed upon by others or is it because you think you need to respond right away? Just because the text or notification is instant doesn't mean your response needs to be.

 Put your phone on, ‘do not disturb!’ That is literally my favorite feature and it’s on daily. As I’ve gotten older and my friends have moved all over the country- we schedule time to chat/facetime. It’s not to say you can’t call people out of the blue and chat but if you are worried about not getting back to them- a scheduled time is a way to eliminate that stress. But it really comes down to communicating. It can be casual - let them know you are taking a step back from your phone or social media or whatever it may be. Not responding to their comment on facebook or not liking their new photo on instagram does not equate to the love you have for them. It’s about the connection you have with them. 

If they reach out and express that they haven’t heard from you or you aren’t as active on social media- let them know that is exactly what your goal is! My very dear friend just told me this weekend 'You don’t owe me anything and I do things for you and support you because your joy brings me joy.’ We were talking about the pressures of holidays and communicating with family and friends. This my friend is unconditional love. At the end of the day it’s quality over quantity. The people who love you and care about you shouldn’t expect anything from you. They should honor your boundaries and support you along the way. 

Start with baby steps or fully delete all your apps on your phone. There isn’t a right or wrong way but it’s clear that you want to put the phone down. I’ve also started putting my phone on my dresser, away from my bed, at night- otherwise I can’t get off of it. Now it doesn’t happen every night but it’s progress! Take it back to the basics, communicate your boundaries, lock the phone up, schedule phone time (like children with their i-pad), delete social media, use a map instead of a GPS, use a camera and not your phone, read a book- one with pages and a hard cover. You might notice that you didn’t need those things to begin with. I’m using this response as a way to keep myself accountable as well. You got this- THROW THAT PHONE AWAY. 

Best, 

Colleen

How do I protect myself from go, go, going?

Colleen, 

How do I protect myself from go go going? How can I stop and slow down and not feel guilty? Everyone around me is like hustling and I just don’t want to!

-I’m so tired!

Hi ‘Tired’- 

Stop, drop, and roll. That will slow you down. But seriously- STOP. This is a topic I continually chat about with my therapist. With so many societal norms, it’s changeling to prioritize what we need. We live in a society where hustling, being busy, and grinding is normal and celebrated. This starts from the early ages in school and getting assigned a class rank. Or graduating with honors. Or exceeding in your work performance to make that year-end bonus. Why is giving what is needed not enough? Why must we always go above and beyond? 

 Let me tell you. You are doing enough, and you are enough. You need to start letting go of perceptions. It’s entirely acceptable to want to live your life at a different pace. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve prioritized my peace - and let me tell you I’ve turned into a grandmother. But I’m much happier. I don’t follow timelines, I don’t compare my journey to someone else's, and most importantly, I’ve learned to slow down. We are all human and struggle with feeling like we aren’t doing enough. 

It’s easy to believe everyone enjoys hustling and working all the time because that’s what we are programmed to think. People love talking about how busy they are, what social events they have planned, and posting on Instagram - it’s always the topic of conversation. I do it myself - asking my team members, “what are your plans for the weekend?” Trust me- there are others like you, myself included, who don’t want to live a fast-paced life, don't want to be the next CEO, enjoy being a team player, and the list of analogies goes on. When you feel like you aren’t doing enough, feel it and let it go. It’s a feeling, not the truth. Remind yourself that you get to choose the life you want to live. Keep your eyes on your path. 

 You might be someone who isn’t very good at slowing down or taking time for yourself. So you will have to prioritize it and make it a part of your routine. As bizarre as this may sound- you need to schedule self-care and put it on the calendar. Self-care isn’t a chore and should be enjoyable, but if you aren’t used to it or it’s not a part of your daily routine, it’s bound to slip through the cracks. Here are things I did to protect my peace and time: 

-keeping one day of the weekend open 

-saying ‘no’ more often to invites & events

- stopped explaining myself to others

-blocking time on my calendar for therapy, working out, sleep & hobbies 

-doing things alone 

-writing more

 It will take time but eventually you’ll find what works best for you. Give yourself grace throughout this process because you are changing your mindset. It took me a while to let go of those habits that weren’t serving me and to stop comparing myself to others. But once I started prioritizing building a lifestyle that protected my peace, I became happier. People will always compare themselves to each other, it’s natural. Stay strong in living the life you want, and all the rest is noise.

You got this!

Colleen

How do I deal with a passive aggressive co-worker?

Colleen,

how do you deal with someone's passive aggressive behavior? I have a co-worker who will send emails copying my manager, they constantly are questioning my work, they dismiss all of my ideas but they do it in a passive way. It seems like I am the only one who notices. At the end of the day I want a good working relationship- what should I do?

Hello!

If you find out, will you let me know? I hesitated in tackling this question because as human beings we are very complicated. Learning how to regulate our own emotions is a journey; then you add having to deal with others. It’s a lot. First, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It never feels good to have others dismiss you. I’m sure people have noticed- they just might not verbalize it. I think you have to ask yourself if you want to 1. Confront this person and tell them how you feel. Or 2. Reflect and ask yourself- why does this person's behavior impact me?

With this being a co-worker you might want to address it head on with the person and get it figured out. You will be working with this person and I’m sure their actions won’t change unless you bring it to their attention. A piece of advice I got early in my career was “To always assume positive intent.” let me tell you it's really hard to do - but it changed a lot about how I perceive others and even myself. At the end of the day we aren’t mind readers and I’ve learned that I have to tell people how I feel or what I need, etc. in order for it to happen. It’s simple but it’s much more challenging in practice. Now this co-worker might not even be aware of their actions or how they are impacting you. This is where the positive intent comes into the picture. Playing devil's advocate here- but maybe this person thinks they are doing you a favor? Obviously they are doing it in a way that is passive and hurting you. But I think it’s important to take a step back and look at this situation with a different lens.

When I find myself hurt- I let myself feel it all. I don’t know what needs to be done but we need to start teaching kids at a very young age how to feel, regulate, and release emotions. I think I sometimes find myself wanting to fix or change how I feel. But the reality is- feelings are meant to be felt. And guess what, they will pass. I always think a good rule of thumb is to give yourself a bit of time. When you are hurt and feeling it- you may act out of character or solely based on emotions. Take a deep breath and ride this emotional wave. Once time has passed- do you still feel the same? I think in this case, you might and then I would challenge you to face this co-worker head on.

Remind yourself that you are expressing your hurt and concern towards this co-workers because you want a better working relationship. I tend to hyperfixate on their reaction that I lose sight of my ultimate end goal. With this being a working relationship- I would keep it real clean and straightforward. Set up time and address this person one-on-one. I would even do a little prep work and get your thoughts out on paper. Again, sometimes in the heat of the moment we go off track- remember your goal here. Once you have them face to face; you will have already processed these feelings, written down your thoughts, and now are in a place to communicate them.

“With us working together I wanted to connect on something that’s been on my mind. I feel as though your behavior is passive aggressive towards me and it’s hurtful. I think it’s important for our working relationship that I share my feelings with you.”

I would recommend not going in hot and blameful…again we have to assume positive intent and truly we don’t know what this person is thinking and it’s not our job to do so. With this approach you are being direct, telling them how you feel, and sharing the ‘why.’ Give them the same grace you gave yourself. I wouldn’t expect them to respond and/or have a solution. I mean you just brought this to them and they also deserve time to process. You can end with a simple “I wanted to let you know how I was feeling and there is no need for us to hash everything out today. At the end of the day, we are co-workers and I want us to have a respectful working relationship.”

I think this takes off the pressure from them and you. Right? I’ve found that most of the time people will react with ‘Oh my gosh, I didn’t know I was making you feel that way’ and then you will typically see a difference in their treatment towards you and you can move forward. However, not everyone is self-reflective and they might feel mad, attacked, angry, etc. but their reaction isn’t your responsibility. If you find the person isn’t listening and keeps treating you this way, then that is when I would loop in your manager and ask for support. What I’ve learned is that people DO NOT like when you go above them and get a manager involved when you personally never addressed the issue at hand. That is what managers are for- literally to navigate the inner workings of the team dynamic.

Okay- we talked a lot about if you want to address this issue head on but I think it’s also worth chatting through taking the ‘reflective’ route. Since I’ve been going to therapy, changing my lifestyle, and gaining more confidence, the way other people treat me doesn’t hit me to the core like it once did. When I first started working professionally I wanted to be perfect and liked by everyone. I slowly realized that isn’t even an attainable goal. I’m now at a place where I know who I am. I’m not going to let others' - especially people who don’t really know me, tear me down.

Trust me- this won’t be the last passive aggressive or annoying co-worker you’ll have. So I think it’s important to start building yourself up and to know who you are. I like to call this an ‘I know who I am’ shield. It’s my protection from the outside. People can say or treat me badly but I now have that shield to protect me. And if we keep going with this analogy those things will bounce right off the shield and back onto them. Remember- hurt people, hurt people. I’ll say it again- HURT people, HURT people.

Yeah, it’s not right for someone to hurt you and treat you without respect but sadly it’s going to happen. We can’t avoid it- this is where your shield will come in handy. As I’ve grown in my career, switched companies, gotten laid off, etc. I’ve run into a lot of different people that I enjoy and others that I don't (p.s. this also happens in life outside of work.) Sometimes you have to LET IT GO. It’s not up for others to determine who you are, how you show up to work, and what you bring to the table- that is completely up to you. Once you stand in your power and know who you are- those comments, passive aggressive behavior, annoying emails…they won’t bother you because they simply aren’t true. Other people’s opinion of you- is none of your business. Also, you aren’t going to be everyone's cup of tea; just like how not everyone is your cup of tea.

I’m really happy you wrote in this question because it challenged me and guided me through a lot of self reflection. Again, I’m sorry you are hurt- you are valid in your feelings and experiences. What is exciting is that the next move is up to you- any/all options offering you a chance to grow through this experience. I hope you can tackle this head on and with your shield up.

All the best!

Colleen

Career advice: I got a job offer!

Colleen-

I got a job offer from a new organization. The new position would challenge me as a professional but be a bit more inconvenient with life balance. The old position is very convenient for life but I’m bored at work all the time.

Help!

Hi New Opportunity-

No but seriously ‘Hi new opportunity!’ How exciting. Maybe I am making some assumptions here but it sounds like you either sought a new opportunity or it found you. The fact that you are using the word ‘bored’ is indicating to me that something needs to change. Now that doesn’t mean you have to accept this new opportunity or stay where you are at- but it does mean that you need to switch it up. Otherwise…you’ll continue to be bored. And also the universe will just keep throwing new opportunities your way until you have no choice but to make a change. So you either do it yourself or let the universe slap you in the face with it.

You always see the stuff that says ‘what’s meant for you will find you’ and as much as myself and others would like to control every aspect of our lives…you simply cannot. Let’s dive into ‘convenient’ okay but boring. Sorry…but you need to hear it. I don’t think I’ve ever been excited or passionate about anything that was convenient. Also, just because your routine now is convenient doesn’t mean that you can’t make the next phase of your life convenient as well. Change doesn’t have to be bad or stressful- it can simply be. It feels like you might be a bit adverse to change- same here, my friend. But how can you find excitement and passion in your work if you don’t modify?

Like most people over the past three years I have made a few career changes. I left a company I was at for five years and where I first started post graduation. It was the only thing I knew and I wanted to make a change. I battled with this decision for some time and constantly changed my mind. I finally had to commit to a path and I chose to leave what was convenient for me. And guess what- leaving wasn’t the most amazing thing that happened to me. In fact- it was actually horrible BUT I learned a lot. This is what my mom likes to call a ‘learning moment.’

I was let go after eight months and without any warning. My emotions were all over the place. From defeat, sadness, anger, acceptance, anger again, fear, and regret. I was upset with myself. I put myself in this situation and it didn’t work out. Good thing I am in therapy and meet with my therapist frequently. My therapist likes to call this the ‘maybe stage’ and when she first told me this- I didn’t want to hear it. But now, it’s one of my favorite things to share with others and to remind myself of constantly.

There aren’t many moments in life where you get to re-route. Think about it- most of us get a job and stay there. Yeah- you might move around but typically people stay when they find a job that serves most of their needs. It’s easier. Finding a new job can be stressful, scary, and most of all; time consuming. Maybe I’ll stay in the same line of work. Maybe I’ll completely change it up. Maybe I will take time off and rest. Maybe I will have a creative spark and start an advice column (wink, wink, nod, nod).

This changed everything for me and I fully embraced it. I was trying to think back on moments in my life where I felt like the possibilities were endless. It’s been awhile…and that made me sad. So I decided to embrace the cards I was dealt and to ride this ‘maybe’ train. It made me feel like a child. I allowed myself to be curious, try new things, fall and pick myself up, make new friends, and live without a care of what the future looked like. Because whatever is to come next- maybe it will be amazing.

You have this new job offer that sounds like it would challenge you and switch things up. That sounds like a perfect solution to fighting off boredom in your current role. However, it doesn’t mean that staying is a bad choice. Sometimes convenience is a priority in many people's lives and if that is what you need, do that for you. Just existing as a human is a lot. Opportunities will come and go- what is meant for you will find you. If you decide to pass on this opportunity - that doesn’t mean you won’t get another. You will. Again, either by choice or it will come in HOT.

All of this babbling leads me to believe that nothing is as permanent as we think. Whatever decision you make, remember that in the future you can make a different one. Very simple concept but let me tell you this blew my mind. If you take on this new role and the inconvenience is too much or you find yourself bored again or it just sucks, guess what? You have the power to change the path you are on. EXCITING, right?

Well I’m excited for you because no matter what comes next- it seems to me that you are on the path of change. Change leads us to discover new parts of ourselves, meeting new people, experiencing life from a different perspective -GROWTH. Can you imagine if we stayed the same? Now that is a stimulation I don’t want to be a part of. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace through this inevitable change. I’m eager to find out what happens next.

All the best, (I need to think of something better…maybe next time)

Colleen

The origin story of Ask Colleen.

Ask Colleen started my senior year of college. I thought -well at this point I should probably get involved in something on campus and why not put my talents to use. By no means am I saying I have any sort of special qualifications that make me an ‘expert’ on giving advice. BUT I have always been the friend that people come to for advice or at the least someone who will listen.

What I’ve learned in life is that you have to ask for what you want. That is what I did. I emailed the publisher of my college’s paper and said I wanted to start an advice column. To my surprised they were into it and I sent over some examples. Boom, bam- I’m published in the newspaper the next week. I loved it to say the least. I even once got recognized in class. The fact that someone READ something I WROTE (that wasn’t a professor) seemed too cool. Fast forward six years - I am brining it back.

I really started this to build a community, share stories, struggles, traumas, laughs- as we are all navigating life together. My goal is to always come from a place of empathy, compassion, and relatability.