How do I deal with a passive aggressive co-worker?
Colleen,
how do you deal with someone's passive aggressive behavior? I have a co-worker who will send emails copying my manager, they constantly are questioning my work, they dismiss all of my ideas but they do it in a passive way. It seems like I am the only one who notices. At the end of the day I want a good working relationship- what should I do?
Hello!
If you find out, will you let me know? I hesitated in tackling this question because as human beings we are very complicated. Learning how to regulate our own emotions is a journey; then you add having to deal with others. It’s a lot. First, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It never feels good to have others dismiss you. I’m sure people have noticed- they just might not verbalize it. I think you have to ask yourself if you want to 1. Confront this person and tell them how you feel. Or 2. Reflect and ask yourself- why does this person's behavior impact me?
With this being a co-worker you might want to address it head on with the person and get it figured out. You will be working with this person and I’m sure their actions won’t change unless you bring it to their attention. A piece of advice I got early in my career was “To always assume positive intent.” let me tell you it's really hard to do - but it changed a lot about how I perceive others and even myself. At the end of the day we aren’t mind readers and I’ve learned that I have to tell people how I feel or what I need, etc. in order for it to happen. It’s simple but it’s much more challenging in practice. Now this co-worker might not even be aware of their actions or how they are impacting you. This is where the positive intent comes into the picture. Playing devil's advocate here- but maybe this person thinks they are doing you a favor? Obviously they are doing it in a way that is passive and hurting you. But I think it’s important to take a step back and look at this situation with a different lens.
When I find myself hurt- I let myself feel it all. I don’t know what needs to be done but we need to start teaching kids at a very young age how to feel, regulate, and release emotions. I think I sometimes find myself wanting to fix or change how I feel. But the reality is- feelings are meant to be felt. And guess what, they will pass. I always think a good rule of thumb is to give yourself a bit of time. When you are hurt and feeling it- you may act out of character or solely based on emotions. Take a deep breath and ride this emotional wave. Once time has passed- do you still feel the same? I think in this case, you might and then I would challenge you to face this co-worker head on.
Remind yourself that you are expressing your hurt and concern towards this co-workers because you want a better working relationship. I tend to hyperfixate on their reaction that I lose sight of my ultimate end goal. With this being a working relationship- I would keep it real clean and straightforward. Set up time and address this person one-on-one. I would even do a little prep work and get your thoughts out on paper. Again, sometimes in the heat of the moment we go off track- remember your goal here. Once you have them face to face; you will have already processed these feelings, written down your thoughts, and now are in a place to communicate them.
“With us working together I wanted to connect on something that’s been on my mind. I feel as though your behavior is passive aggressive towards me and it’s hurtful. I think it’s important for our working relationship that I share my feelings with you.”
I would recommend not going in hot and blameful…again we have to assume positive intent and truly we don’t know what this person is thinking and it’s not our job to do so. With this approach you are being direct, telling them how you feel, and sharing the ‘why.’ Give them the same grace you gave yourself. I wouldn’t expect them to respond and/or have a solution. I mean you just brought this to them and they also deserve time to process. You can end with a simple “I wanted to let you know how I was feeling and there is no need for us to hash everything out today. At the end of the day, we are co-workers and I want us to have a respectful working relationship.”
I think this takes off the pressure from them and you. Right? I’ve found that most of the time people will react with ‘Oh my gosh, I didn’t know I was making you feel that way’ and then you will typically see a difference in their treatment towards you and you can move forward. However, not everyone is self-reflective and they might feel mad, attacked, angry, etc. but their reaction isn’t your responsibility. If you find the person isn’t listening and keeps treating you this way, then that is when I would loop in your manager and ask for support. What I’ve learned is that people DO NOT like when you go above them and get a manager involved when you personally never addressed the issue at hand. That is what managers are for- literally to navigate the inner workings of the team dynamic.
Okay- we talked a lot about if you want to address this issue head on but I think it’s also worth chatting through taking the ‘reflective’ route. Since I’ve been going to therapy, changing my lifestyle, and gaining more confidence, the way other people treat me doesn’t hit me to the core like it once did. When I first started working professionally I wanted to be perfect and liked by everyone. I slowly realized that isn’t even an attainable goal. I’m now at a place where I know who I am. I’m not going to let others' - especially people who don’t really know me, tear me down.
Trust me- this won’t be the last passive aggressive or annoying co-worker you’ll have. So I think it’s important to start building yourself up and to know who you are. I like to call this an ‘I know who I am’ shield. It’s my protection from the outside. People can say or treat me badly but I now have that shield to protect me. And if we keep going with this analogy those things will bounce right off the shield and back onto them. Remember- hurt people, hurt people. I’ll say it again- HURT people, HURT people.
Yeah, it’s not right for someone to hurt you and treat you without respect but sadly it’s going to happen. We can’t avoid it- this is where your shield will come in handy. As I’ve grown in my career, switched companies, gotten laid off, etc. I’ve run into a lot of different people that I enjoy and others that I don't (p.s. this also happens in life outside of work.) Sometimes you have to LET IT GO. It’s not up for others to determine who you are, how you show up to work, and what you bring to the table- that is completely up to you. Once you stand in your power and know who you are- those comments, passive aggressive behavior, annoying emails…they won’t bother you because they simply aren’t true. Other people’s opinion of you- is none of your business. Also, you aren’t going to be everyone's cup of tea; just like how not everyone is your cup of tea.
I’m really happy you wrote in this question because it challenged me and guided me through a lot of self reflection. Again, I’m sorry you are hurt- you are valid in your feelings and experiences. What is exciting is that the next move is up to you- any/all options offering you a chance to grow through this experience. I hope you can tackle this head on and with your shield up.
All the best!
Colleen
