How do I protect my peace while also staying in contact with friends and family?

Colleen, 

I need better ways to communicate instead of just through text and social media. When I don’t respond right away it makes me feel guilty even though I know I shouldn’t. How can I be more specific about how I communicate with friends and family without feeling burnt out or guilty?

-Someone whose phone is glued to their face 

Hello glued to your phone- 

As soon as I read this submission I immediately put down my phone and felt embarrassed. You're not alone. It’s hard to believe there was a time when I didn’t have a cell phone. It’s not just a phone to make calls and texts. The evolution of smartphones is wild. We use it for directions, counting our steps, replying to an email, video chatting our friends, tracking a package, THERAPY, the list goes on. Can you think of a time where you didn’t use your phone? For even one day? For most, the answer is no. The only time I don’t use my phone is when I actively make a choice not to. 

Cell phones have become essential in today’s society. Some people solely work off of their phones. When it comes to how/when/why you communicate with your friends and family; your phone doesn’t have to be the only option. Have you received a letter in the mail lately? It’s so exciting and fun! Seriously, I don’t get many things besides bills and amazon packages, so to receive a letter from a friend or family member really puts a smile on my face. Take it back to the basics. Write a letter, schedule monthly coffees to connect, talk on the phone instead of texting and most importantly communicate your boundaries. 

The guilt you feel is surrounded by the immediate response and urgency that comes with phones. Everything is so instant. You get an alert and the first thing you do is read it. The truth is you don’t owe anyone your time and can communicate in ways that work best for you. I’d ask yourself where this guilt comes from. Is it imposed upon by others or is it because you think you need to respond right away? Just because the text or notification is instant doesn't mean your response needs to be.

 Put your phone on, ‘do not disturb!’ That is literally my favorite feature and it’s on daily. As I’ve gotten older and my friends have moved all over the country- we schedule time to chat/facetime. It’s not to say you can’t call people out of the blue and chat but if you are worried about not getting back to them- a scheduled time is a way to eliminate that stress. But it really comes down to communicating. It can be casual - let them know you are taking a step back from your phone or social media or whatever it may be. Not responding to their comment on facebook or not liking their new photo on instagram does not equate to the love you have for them. It’s about the connection you have with them. 

If they reach out and express that they haven’t heard from you or you aren’t as active on social media- let them know that is exactly what your goal is! My very dear friend just told me this weekend 'You don’t owe me anything and I do things for you and support you because your joy brings me joy.’ We were talking about the pressures of holidays and communicating with family and friends. This my friend is unconditional love. At the end of the day it’s quality over quantity. The people who love you and care about you shouldn’t expect anything from you. They should honor your boundaries and support you along the way. 

Start with baby steps or fully delete all your apps on your phone. There isn’t a right or wrong way but it’s clear that you want to put the phone down. I’ve also started putting my phone on my dresser, away from my bed, at night- otherwise I can’t get off of it. Now it doesn’t happen every night but it’s progress! Take it back to the basics, communicate your boundaries, lock the phone up, schedule phone time (like children with their i-pad), delete social media, use a map instead of a GPS, use a camera and not your phone, read a book- one with pages and a hard cover. You might notice that you didn’t need those things to begin with. I’m using this response as a way to keep myself accountable as well. You got this- THROW THAT PHONE AWAY. 

Best, 

Colleen